"They rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord; then they went back to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, “I have asked for him from the Lord.” (1 Sam. 1:19-20).

 The Bible speaks about intimacy between a husband and wife in different ways. Our text from Samuel a few weeks ago uses the verb “to know” referring to the physical relationship between Elkanah and Hannah. One might be tempted to think that the Bible uses this phrase euphemistically, as a shy kind of reference to something not really meant for holy conversation. But consider that the Bible never seems restrained to speak about sexual intimacy. The whole book of Song of Solomon, as well as other passages like 1 Corinthians 7, is dedicated to the topic of marriage relations.

So what’s with the phrase “to know”? The Bible uses the phrase to emphasize that God’s intention behind creating human intimacy was for it to reach beyond just the physical act, but to include a knowledge of your husband or wife that goes beyond the mere physical. This is why in the very beginning God said in Genesis 2:24 that husband and wife would become one flesh. That union cannot happen with intimacy across the whole range of who we are as humans.

Do you know your wife? Do you know your husband? Are you willing to spend the time to get to know them? Your dating or courting period may have been your primary school level education; your engagement may have been your high school level training, the honeymoon was probably an undergraduate degree. Don’t stop there! Are you willing to put in the time to get to know your spouse?

We can spend loads of time on things that we find interesting, but we won’t absorb information about those topics by absorption. You don’t lay your head on your textbook and expect it to get inside somehow. If those things relating to our career and interests require dedication, should we not put in the required work to know our spouses more?

Don’t stop your education after your marriage or after the honeymoon. Keep learning, keep growing in your familiarity and knowledge of your spouse. Share your needs and desires authentically. God has created marriage to fulfill many real needs and desires he created us with. If you are closed-up to your spouse or always have your guard up they will never know your needs, and most likely you won't ever meet theirs. If you know what your spouse’s needs are and seek to meet them as much as you are able to.

When two people are sharing the deepest parts of themselves, as much as possible, and serving each other, we remove some of the temptation to find these needs met outside of marriage. Vulnerability, honesty, authenticity are clichés when speaking about marriage, but they are cliché for good reason: they are truly important.

If you are married, plan to speak with your spouse about your needs and desires.